HelpDesk

Why you should read MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS

2005-11-10T13:23:00.000-08:00

I had a laptop in the other day with Windows XP installed.
Not out of the usual, I see them everyday.
Only this one was an IBM Thinkpad from 1997 with a
"Designed for Windows 98" sticker on it's black sinful exterior.
(233 mhz Pentium II and 96mb of RAM)

The owner wants to know why she can't get on the network with it. I want to know why we let this person into college.
CAN'T SHE READ?

...must be one of those "Equal Opportunity" scholarships.
Maybe it's part of the 5 year "master plan"

I looked up the minimum specifications for Win. XP just to be sure, and it turns out that if you are running at anything less than 128mb of Ram, "Some features may not be supported".
I'm guessing that one of those features was "running a 1 gb ethernet card".

P.S.

YAY! we found the password

Battlefield 2 has consumed my soul

2005-07-09T19:20:00.000-07:00

Battlefield 2 has consumed my soul.

But that's not really what this post is about.
This post is about a computer sale that we recently had.

All computers were 20 dollars. All monitors were 20 dollars.
Guess how many people asked about how good the computers were.

HOLY FREAKIN' CRAP PEOPLE!!!! If you go to a BestBuy and find the CHEAPEST computer there...even with rebates it's not gonna fall below 300 dollars. How good do you THINK these computers are? If you bought a CAR for 20 dollars, you shouldn't have to look on CarFax.com to find out if the damn thing is gonna be any good. That's the same price as a Rubber Ducky vibrator they're selling on Ebay (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=36452&item=5596169105&rd=1)

The sad part is, they honestly want to know if these computers are any good.

- FrankieAvocado

Those who are above us

2005-06-30T13:15:00.000-07:00

They are not above us in intellegence.

More to come later

Hey Look! It's raining smacktard!

2005-03-22T14:20:00.000-08:00

We have THE MOST obnoxious tour guide at our college.

She wears pink ALL the time. Which is bad enough.
The worst part, is when she describes how useless she is at computers as she passes by ITS.

"I'm just like, terrible at computers"
she says, and giggles like a retarded 10 year old on opium.
then to highlight her point she pretends the air is a keyboard and she is typing with her index finger.
"Click...Click...Click...yeah, like awful with them"
apparently noone has told her that she's just awful with "personalities" too.

I can tell that the prospective CS student looks like he is about to cry, so I try to save the moment by talking to him. He looks relieved that I can handle proper English sentences and even more relieved when I mention C++ as the discipline's primary language. Of course, it helps that I'm sitting behind my 3 foot tall computer with it's blacklighting and side window. Maybe I saved him...but maybe the tour guide screwed us out of yet another CS student.

I don't really care that much if he comes here or not...
I just think it's inhumane to have to suffer at the hands of a pink smacktard on opium.

- FrankieAvocado

I think some sort of deity is very angry at me

2005-03-22T13:56:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago, I had to fix what may be the crappiest laptop ever to make it out of Compaq...and that's REALLY saying something.

I tried to turn it on, and the owner just shook her head.
"No, you have to prop the power cord up with a sock or it won't work"
she said

Yeah...she wasn't lying either...she handed me a crusty old sock.

You know your computer is a bit tempermental...WHEN YOU HAVE TO PROP IT'S POWER CORD UP WITH A FREAKING SOCK!

Dear Angry Deity,

You might know me from all of the PAIN and ANGUISH that you have inflicted on my existence. I just wanted to ask you...please stop. Seriously, I can't afford the extra money to pay for a "Damage due to psychological warfare by an Angry Deity" clause in my insurance policy. I can barely pay for my car. Why are you so "Angry"? Can't you be a "Cuddly Deity" or a "Gorgeous Temptress Deity"? I mean...sure, the "My TV dropped on top of my laptop and both are now broken" incident was kinda funny and OK...the "I spilled Mountain Dew (the most corrosive substance known to man) onto my laptop, then opened it up and hit it with a mallet, before running over it in my minivan and then lighting it on fire with Kerosene" thing didn't drive me insane...but really...a SOCK? WTF?

Respectfully,

That guy crying in the corner and muttering "User error"

He came back.....

2005-03-14T10:38:00.000-08:00

So yes the man who wanted to know if classes were canceled is back...or his twin brother.
He comes in "I have a question"

"Okay"

"Acutally, I have several questions," "that program HijackThis" now my face must have shown the terror I felt at such an incompantant user using an advanced program because his stuttering got WORSE!

Continuing months later......Well I forget the exact conversation but I believe he removed some essential system processes. I then told him that he probably had to reformat and to call his computer manufacturer to take care of that.

Finally revenge for all those times I had to spend on hold with Tech Support when I knew the problem, but had to go through it anyway to get my hardware fixed. THEY HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM!

Somedays, I don't know why I bother to get out of bed in the morning

2005-03-01T13:36:00.000-08:00

I had to go over to the physics department today.
They were trying to update a Windows 98 machine that is not even supported on our network. They have an entire stock pile of junk machines over there...they hoard them. In the future, when the world is destroyed in nuclear fire, all that will be left of our civilization will be thousands of Windows 3.1, 95, and 98 machines that the physics department kept safe in a dark dark hole. Personally, I'd rather not be remembered at all than be remembered as the race that invented Windows 98.

Please save me, the imps have come to rip the sanity from my desperate clinging fingers.

- FrankieAvocado

I swear, it's true...

2005-02-24T13:57:00.000-08:00

I just had the following conversation with a guy who just walked in...I still can't believe it actually happened.

He shows up with this glazed look in his eyes, has this husky "I'm stoned and drunk and dumber than a very dumb thing" voice and says:

"heyyyyy, do you know if teachers call down here...?"

I can't believe he's just asked this question...so I stare at him for a second and say...
"uhhh yeah, sometimes"

and then, as if I had never said anything he just continues the question:
"...about, like, if classes are canceled...?"

well...no, they don't it's the COMPUTER HELPDESK!!!!!
I calmly respond with:
"nope, sorry"

so I expect him to go away now...no

"well...they said to like look on (online class discussion and information site) for it..."

I don't care ....I don't care

"yeah, I know how to get on (said site), have you ever logged onto it before?"

he still has this retarded expression on his face, like all of his brain power is being taken up just breathing.

"yeah...well yeah, but where would it say that?"

I am getting progressively dumber just from breathing the same air as this person.

"After logging in, you should have a listing of all the classes you are taking. Just select
the one that you want to know about and it will tell you if there are any new messages"

He breathes for a couple minutes...breathes again, sniffs, nods
"ok, uhhhhhh, I'll go do it then"

I swear, I'm being punished for something really awful that I must have done in a past life...maybe I was Hitler or something. I can't really think of anything else that would cause me to deserve this

THEN, HE COMES BACK!!!!!!

and he looks me square in the eyes

"Yeah, it was canceled then"

I shrug, what could I possibly say to this update about a class that I don't have or care to have...or care to know exists

"I just wanted to let you know. Thanks again."

please...someone...just make it all go away

- FrankieAvocado

A diagram for those of you who are "literaturely disinclined"

2005-02-23T12:25:00.000-08:00

Crack, it's not just for the hobos anymore

2005-02-22T13:22:00.000-08:00

That's right, Crack (or Cocaine for you N00Bs out there) is now a common component in many dormitories on your local campus. Its primary effect is to make people call you for reasons beyond anything you could understand. Here is a sample conversation:

*Phone Rings*
*Answers*
Us: "Hello, Helpdesk, X speaking..."
Them: "Hey, my computer won't turn on"
Us: "Ok, when did this start happening"
Them: "About a week ago"
Us: "So you haven't been able to use your computer for a week?" (my immediate thoughts were: Why the hell didn't you call a WEEK AGO?)
Them: "Well...I mean I can use it, it just doesn't work properly"
Us: "I thought you said it didn't turn on"
Them: "Yeah, but I can get into windows and stuff"
Us: "Oh" (because apparently we have different opinions on the meaning of "ON")
Them: "But the internet doesn't work"
Us: "Ok, so your internet hasn't worked for a week?"
Them: "Yeah, and then yesterday I ran windows update from their website to see if it would fix the problem, but it's still not working"
Us: "Hang on, I thought you said the internet wasn't working"
Them: "It's not, but Internet Explorer is working"
Us: "Ummmm, so you can get to websites?"
Them: "Yeah, but even after I updated I still couldn't get AIM to work"
Us: "so...what you're telling me, is that everything is fine except for AIM"
Them: "right, it won't connect"
Us: "Ok...gotcha"
Them: "So can you help me?"
Us: "No, but I can help myself...please hold while I send my squad of deadly zombie pirate monkeys to murder you and all of your family in hideous and obscenely painful ways so that your genes may never again haunt this world."

- FrankieAvocado

Can I borrow your stapler?

2005-02-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

We used to have a stapler....in fact we used to have at least three. But one by one they managed to "run" away. I wonder how that happened?
At least twice a shift (or more if there are classes with papers due) they come in and ask. And we always answer "No because we used to have three and now we have none." They seemed confused by this comment and walk away.

Now I know several people who have come in MULTIPLE times JUST THIS WEEK and asked to use the stapler. One would think that
A. They would get the hint the first time
B. Would carry around their own stapler
AND C. Would print out their paper at some other time than 5 minutes before their class.

One wonders how they even pass classes with such poor memory retention.

~Kirlia

You make the call

2005-02-21T16:15:00.000-08:00

Ah yes the joys of telephone answering. Most of the time it is just students, after all, the higher beings are rerouted to those who have the capacity to deal with them.

Occasionally the higher beings call us. For some reason the are confounded when we answer. "Are you a student?" "Isn't this the staff line?" They wonder....

When one calls a number, one should know who they are calling.

My favorite though is the higher being who started out its call with "Why is a student answering the staff line?" Of course this higher being had looked up this number in the directory so OF COURSE it knew where it was calling.
What the higher being didn't know was that it was supposed to dial another number and make a choice on who it was supposed to talk to. Then the higher being proceded to become angry with the student for its mistake calling the wrong number. After yelling at the student, the higher being hung up.

Did I forget to mention that the reason higher being called was because it plugged the phone line into the ethernet jack on the back of its computer, which just happened to be above the modem? One would think it would notice the plug was too big.

Ah the irony!

~Kirlia

ID10T - It's not just a problem, it's a state of mind.

2005-02-21T13:16:00.000-08:00

So now, it is time for the original post and annoying conversation that led to the decision to create this blog in the first place. Although it has been a while that we have talked about this, the problems continue to occur and as we begin to have brain anomolies from having to listen to the idiotic ramblings of people who claim they have something to complain about, even though it is rarely a problem other than their own stupidity; we have finally decided that it is time to unleash these atrocities on the world.

Please, I warn you now, what you are about to read are a series of problems that true human beings have been forced to endure. Although you may think that these stories are false, I assure they are not. Even worse, they come from people that are considered elite and even worse, those "professionals" who are teaching them.

If you continue to read, may this world have mercy on you...

"Okay, so why is it that all these people, who get to pick their own password, seem to forget exactly what they changed it to.

So then they call us and ask us to reset it for them.

We change it to their ID number, then three months later they call us back and tell us that even though their computer has been telling them for two weeks to change their password, they didn't do it.

And it is my fault that they now have to walk down here to change their password because they didn't listen to how many warning signs and this isn't even the first time.

Ah, yes, I really enjoy making people walk through the snow in 10 degree weather to get their password changed - to the victor goes the spoils.

So, the moral of the story, remember your password or we'll make you freeze - ah, the pleasure of the job."

It begins...

-- The Overmind.

Volume Control and You, a Brief Introduction

2005-02-21T13:08:00.000-08:00

If your laptop has no volume,
you should not call the helpdesk before checking the following things:

Is your volume muted?
Is your volume turned all the way down?

I don't think that's too much to ask.

But the users do.

- FrankieAvocado

Re: The Broken Internet

2005-02-21T12:58:00.000-08:00

You're right Jenn...it does suck

but I just like to lie to them.

"Yes sir, the internet is broken at the moment...Netscape
is currently working on repairing it, but luckily Mexico has
granted us the use of their TACONET. To connect, please
head over to the nearest Taco Bell and bash your face into
a cheesy gordita. Thanks, have a nice day now"

- FrankieAvocado

THE INTERNET IS BROKEN!!!!!

2005-02-21T12:48:00.000-08:00

NOTE: This post has been edited due to the inclusion of the internet slang acronym "OMG" in a non-mocking manner. We at the helpdesk take the English language seriously (except when we don't...primarily in regards to "1337 speak") and do not promote the flagrant misuse of acronyms. However, in an attempt to keep our visitors up to date, I have written a brief summary of this post in a standarized numbered list format.

1: We hate phone calls in which people say "The internet is broken, when will it be fixed?"
2: We don't care about their desire to be on America Online Instant Messenger
3: If everyone else in your vicinity is connected to the Internet, chances are your problem is User Error
4: Don't click on links in people's buddy lists.

-Tiggifer

Edited for content and space by FrankieAvocado

St00pid? Yes

2005-02-21T12:44:00.000-08:00

In this business, there are no intelligent questions...
just less stupid ones.

We aren't going to write about those,
because the other kind are so much better.

Like this kid, who's initials are
Dumb, Ass...
He owns an acrylic case with lights
and fans and stuff...apparently he thinks it
will help it go faster. I can't imagine how bad
it would be in a beige case if that's true.

The man fails to update Windows Xp every
time he reformats. (Note: that sentence means
that he has reformatted more than once...
it's more like 13 times) It's like the gods of hate are
smiling down at us...

And everytime, he gets the sort of viruses that would
have medical doctors quarantining half of the state of Kentucky
(because Kentucky is a very dirty state...and if anyplace
could get these viruses, it'd be Kentucky)
if it could infect humans.

Maybe he bought his computer from Kentucky...
I don't know, but it's like a virus magnet.

LISTEN UP CHIEF...Service Pack 2 is the Condom
of the internet community...

- FrankieAvocado

If I have to Change ONE MORE PASSWORD...

2005-02-21T12:31:00.000-08:00

People call us up and say things like "Hey, I can't login to my email anymore"
and we say things like "When was the last time you changed your password"
and then THEY say things like "What do you mean?"

Over the summer, people would call from Hawaii and leave messages
asking us to call them back so that they could change their passwords
SCREW YOU, I'm not calling long distance because you're an ass

So anyway, we'd change passwords over the summer to "Summer"...
because hey, we're uncreative and don't have to explain ourselves to the likes of our users.

During the school year when we ask them what their old password is they say:
"I think it was 'Summer'". That means they've forgotten to change it twice in a row...
which I could stand...but SOMETIMES...just sometimes, we look them up in the
ticket system and it turns out that they're a senior and have NEVER REMEMBERED

I put them on hold and smash the phone into my forehead screaming
"WHY GOD, WHY GOD, WHY?"

...at exactly the time that my supervisor decides to walk in.

- FrankieAvocado